By Jim Ellis — Published in Legacy Magazine 12/2015
If you ask Dianna Thompson, she will tell you straight. It’s a mess out there.
As a nationally recognized expert on family, step-families and divorce-related issues, and a member of Leading Women For Shared Parenting, Thompson sees that sons and daughters growing up without access to both parents is causing harm to children, families and communities. And she believes – especially during the holiday season – mothers and fathers must do all they can do to put aside their differences and allow their children as much parenting time as possible … for the good of all.
Many in society are aware of the prevalence of divorce and have a general idea of the impact on children. The landscape of fatherless homes is harsh, as shown by the statistics. The non-profit National Father Initiative reported on a U.S. Census Bureau finding that 24 million children in America – one out of every three – live in biological father-absent homes. Nine in ten American parents agree this is a “crisis.”
According to research conducted by Joan Berlin Kelly, author of “Surviving the Break-up,” 50 percent of mothers “see no value in the father’s continued contact with his children after a divorce.”
This latter stat alarms Thompson. “That is astounding,” she says. “There should be safety guards to disallow this type of behavior. But in reality there are none. Family court is not a place where many fathers observe their rights; it’s where they lose them.”
Thompson believes she knows where the fathers – the supposed deadbeat dads of the world – have gone. “I really think the fathers are right where the courts put them: locked out of their children’s lives.”
In Thompson’s experience, she has observed an “adversarial” court system that pits one parent against the other, attempting to determine which parent is “better,” often using unnecessary, lengthy, and costly evaluations, with the result being one custodial and one noncustodial parent. Since a custodial parent acts as the gatekeeper determining who sees the child, a custodian seeing no value in a visit to dad could make it difficult on the fathers. According to Census reports in 2009, approximately 1 in 6 custodial parents were fathers (17.8 percent). With mothers chosen as custodial parents in such a high percentage, the odds are definitely against the fathers.
Chris Christopher, a father of two who separated in 1998 and divorced in 2004, was surprised to see how the legal system treats fathers. “The system is skewed to prefer women as caregivers. I had long proved that I was a capable parent prior to the divorce proceedings. I was stunned to see the preference given to women for care of children. We split money 50-50; why is there a different standard for children?”
Even if couples go to court and receive visitation orders, fathers don’t always get their time, due to limited visiting terms and thwarted visits. And in this latter case, the fathers’ only recourse is to return to the court system, costing money that ultimately runs out. Instead of parents working out custody in a civil, considerate manner, some families are funneled into a billion dollar divorce industry where children are paying the price for it.
The real loser in all these battles, says Thompson, is the child, who may not only lose contact with a cherished and needed father, but also with the extended family ofgrandparents, aunts and uncles.
Alicia (name changed upon request) claims that her ex-husband and she have an “open door policy” when it comes to their children. The children live with her but are allowed to go to their dad’s whenever they wish. They don’t use a parenting plan and haven’t involved the courts at all when it comes to custody issues of her children.
According to Thompson, instead of spending thousands of dollars on legal fees – which could go towards children’s upbringing and college funds – parents should sit down and write up a parenting plan, since no one knows their child’s needs, schedules and activities better than both guardians. This agreement would be used for the holiday season as well.
“Holidays can often be stressful for everyone, but for children of divorced or separated parents, the holidays can be especially challenging,” Thompson says. “Even so, parents must remember that spending time with family at the holidays is especially important to children. They should be allowed a stress-free, drama-free holiday and enjoy the day with mom and her family, as well as, dad and his family.”
James Anthony Ellis is a writer and producer living in San Diego. He is the VP of Media and Public Relations for MDI, an international men’s organization supporting the success of careers, families and communities. He can be reached at JimEllis1103@Yahoo.com or LegacyProductions.org.
Originally published in Legacy Magazine
